Our hearts often look for a place to settle on:

An idea to ponder

A grudge to hold

A memory to replay

A person to blame

A place to miss

An adventure to expect

Anything that holds our heart to a temporary rest.

Why, my heart has been doing some traveling lately

And I've been to all those places.

I have not found...for the lack of a better word -

Peace.

Peace has a lot to do with acceptance

Knowing you can't always get what you want.

I'm so full of wants lately

And sometimes I barge my way through to get my want.

Venting out my frustration in all sort of ways.

Yet my deepest desire

The loudest pang of my heart is cruelly repressed

Looking for the right moment to cry out.

As the Rolling Stones sang

"You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes

Well you just might find

You get what you need."

I have all that I need.

And I'm asking that You trade my wants for my needs.

I'm asking that You show me Your providence.

And I'm asking that You take care of the rest.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Yet another trip to the airport.

One by one my family has returned to Hong Kong

Still, the airport stands as a barrier between me and...

My jet plane.

I wish I could sing that song and fly.

Yet I know, there is a time for everything.

A time to be born and a time to die

A time to plant and a time to uproot

A time to kill and a time to heal

A time to tear down and a time to build

A time to weep and a time to laugh

A time to mourn and a time to dance

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them

A time to embrace and a time to refrain

A time to search and a time to give up

A time to keep and a time to throw away

A time to tear and a time to mend

A time to be silent and a time to speak

A time to love and a time to hate

A time for war and a time for peace

Ecclesiastes 3

The time to scatter stones has come

And I can't wait until it is time to gather them again.

All the things we said we would do

All the reasons you gave me to believe in you.

"Sometimes the truth makes everything else seem like a lie"

It's been 20 days since I got here.

And as difficult as it had been -

I've been stretched in many ways.

I think sometimes being in the same environment

Gives you an excuse to be complacent.

Moving away has forced me to reevaluate myself

And I came to the conclusion that I am not very responsible.

Bank statements, phone plans (not to mention monthly bills)

Planning your own meal, eating enough veggies

How to safely work in a kitchen is a huge question mark.

I didn't know you can't put cheese in the microwave

Or heat bread for 1 minute.

What happens when you get cramps

And you can hardly walk to the kitchen?

A tiny shoutout to my trustee friend "White Flower Oil"

It helps.

I am not very tidy either.

Keys, bus pass, student ID -

Why can't they be bigger?

What kind of people do you avoid on the street?

The answer is - beware of everyone.

Maturity has its physical side.

For people like me, this side of maturity only grows under pressure.

When life shouts at you to be more responsible

That's when you really got to be responsible.

And start putting things in places you will remember.

只有十句話

Reblogging this from Teresa T.

第一句
如果我們之間有1000步的距離
你只要跨出第1步
我就會朝你的方向走其餘的999步

第二句
通常願意留下來跟你争吵的人
才是真正愛你的人

第三句
付出真心才會得到真心
却也可能傷得徹底
保持距離就能保護自己
却也注定永遠寂寞

第四句
有時候不是對方不在乎你
而是你把對方看得太重

第五句
朋友就是把你看透了還能喜歡你的人

第六句
就算是believe中間也藏了一個lie

第七句
真正的好朋友
並不是在一起就有聊不完的話题
而是在一起就算不說話
也不會感到尷尬

第八句
没有一百分的另一半
只有五十分的兩個人

第九句
為你的難過而快樂的是敵人
為你的快樂而快樂的是朋友
為你的難過而難過的
就是那些該放進心裡的人

第十句
冷漠有時候並不是無情
只是一種避免被傷害的工具

I don't think I have lived long enough to test out the validity of each.

But I've learned some.

How much of this have you found out to be true?

Your Grace is Enough

You see there are wounds in our heart that will only deepen.

Sometimes we are fooled to believe we are healed,

Perhaps by momentary reliefs or distractions.

But when the right stimulation comes along,

Stirring up a chain of suppressed past

You realize the pain has only gotten worse

And that the only way to remove the pain

Is to treat it from the roots.

Sometimes it may mean eliminating its existence.

Other times, it means to uproot the old to replant the new -

For an unhealthy origin cannot produce anything healthy.

At rare times, you find that no matter what you do

The wound stays put, infesting your whole heart

Eating you slowly alive.

It's at these times I find myself helpless.

Unable to stand on my feet, I kneel on my knees.

I'm painfully humbled at my own limitations,

The fact that I can't save myself.

Why, I'm glad my God has a fascination with dirt.

With people who can't help themselves.

Or else this blog would not stand -

There would be no beauty in ashes.

There would be no beauty in my life.

And as I wait for this healing

I'm led to quiet waters

Where he restores my soul.

Until this heart is whole again.

First Year Students

While taking bus 408 to UBC today

I had a new understanding of college.

I found out early this morning that

In a week and a few days I will be going to the orientation myself.

The only friend I know happened to say she isn't going

Because she isn't an international student.

Everyone hopes to feel safe, secure and acknowledged.

That's why we don't like walking around a new place

Alone.

That's why moving away is a scary thought.

Nobody wants to be seen alone.

Nobody wants to leave their comfort zone.

I wish I could've blogged this on the bus

But here's what I learned.

It may feel as though we are alone

Yet we are not walking alone -

As much as it feels like it sometimes.

But fact comes before feeling

He promised to never leave us, to never forsake us.

That's a fact.

He is with us, as we tread on His city, His nation.

Wherever we are, wherever we are sent to.

Seeing girls with their thick eyeliners

Short shorts and Gucci bags

I can't help but feel out of place sometimes.

Here I am in my jeans and sneakers

Rolling around with my iPod and camera.

But why try fitting in -

When we are called to be different?

Why try making ourselves feel comfortable -

When we are called to be in a warfare?

I don't like the word Dai Lo.

But my God is the Boss.

If He is for me, who can be against me?

We feel insecure because we forget who we are

To fit in is to say we are ashamed

Of the One who calls us to be agents of change.

Seeing groups of friends cluster together

I suddenly miss mine very much.

I miss the closeness, the comfort

They've become my haven.

Here I am, thousands of miles apart from them.

But I can hold onto the belief that God created friendships

And he will teach us about it.

I don't think we will ever be ready for a change.

But that's the thrill in life -

The roller coaster taking off before you can sit back and close your eyes.

And much like riding the roller coaster,

All you need is a little push

To take the first step

And the rest will take its course.

For someone who hates roller coaster,

there is much satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment

Stepping off one (I don't mean before it takes off)

After you've overcome the twists and turns...

After screaming your head off.

Gianne, I will never forget about the Space Mountain.

My dorm happened to face the ocean.

Vancouver, being the west of the west

Hong Kong, being the east of the east

I am technically facing Hong Kong :)

Sometimes I think, that's where my home is.

I forget that to see home, I have to lift my chin up.

Someone's waiting for me back home.

My aunt is making her best dish.

To my friends off to their next chapter in life

My prayer for you is that you will know He is with you.

He goes before you and he will guide you.

Don't lose hope.

The word "if" is too indefinite to define.

Saying goodbye is definitely one of the hardest things to do in life.

I've been here for about two weeks

But it felt like two months.

In these two weeks I've said many goodbyes.

And I realize it takes much courage to watch someone walk away.

For some, you watch knowing they are walking right out of your life.

For a few, the very few, you know God has richly blessed you with them.

Still, life is full of surprises.

Some particular individuals

Whom you thought would last a lifetime of friendship with you

Turn out to be disappointments.

But as I mentioned before,

You are only disappointed if you have expectations in the first place.

And expectations often creep in in silence.

They surface when the rest of your heart sinks.

With bad surprises come good surprises.

Sometimes, in your loneliest of times

You find that God has instill hope in your life.

When you are hanging by a thread

You find that at times hope isn't a blasting thunder

Or a roaring storm

But a simple conversation, a simple hello, a simple smile.

Hence, I have personally testified

That people with less are more easily satisfied.

In a land of strangers

I am happy with any familiar faces.

I am content with a small stroll by the sidewalk.

Or a short time making breakfast together.

I'm fulfilled with a short 2 hour dinner

With relatives I have not seen in years.

Or a smile flashing from a stranger.

I'm taken by surprise a message from a friend

Or a morning chat hearing about someone else's life.

When I think about friendship

I can't help but erupt a little with anger.

A hint of rage.

Friends don't use each other, correct?

They don't play with your emotions.

They don't pretend like they care

You have not the guts.

Not the courage.

You have yet to understand.

And as for me, I have yet to meet all kinds of people in this world.

But let me eliminate one off my list -

People who earn your trust and throw it away.

I do trust people too easily.

Daddy, give me discernment.

Give me wisdom.

But most of all - give me a forgiving heart.

My thoughts from the last post seems rather incomplete.

Passing through the streets in a car

Seeing not another human being in sight

Scares me.

To think that Jesus sent out his disciples two by two

Sometimes it's hard to believe there are others out there

With the same vision, same passion, same mission.

It was easy to sing "God of this City" in Hong Kong

Having seen the fire in other young people and the work that's being done.

But here - it's a complete Nineveh to me.

Yet I will believe the Lord has prepared for me

And this is the city He has called me to.

Show me how it's done.

And while at it...help me forgive too.

I've opened this page many times

Having the intention to blog but nothing to write.

Thinking back to the Saturday before I left Hong Kong

10.02.

The harvest is many, the workers are few.

This is definitely true when I was at the blueberry farm.

Hundreds and hundreds of blueberry trees.

I swear I ate more than 5 trees altogether:)

They were different from the ones in the market

The earth does spring out its natural sweetness.

But that is besides the point haha

There were only three families there with us.

One can only gather so much you know...

And it got me to see a new side of this place I'm in.

It's definitely huge in size

Along with the population.

And hey, I'm only one.

But I am one.

I'm not going to let what I can't do

Stop me from what I can do.

Just send me some helpers.

Life's many paradox

I've been here for almost a week

And things have spiraled up and winded down.

I thought the quiet life here would make it easier for me to write

But all I had these past few days is a busy busy mind.

Silence is deafening.

In less than a week

I've been to a cemetery, a blueberry farm,

I made a trip to my university and trespassed an anime party.

Being away from home opened my eyes

But I'm hopelessly homesick.

Already.

In two days I made 3 trips to the airport

Sending my cousins off to Hong Kong.

Life is so full of paradox.

The church is where unions of two people take place

Where funerals take place.

A hospital is where babies take their first breath

Where people take their last.

Airport is where people reunite

Where people separate.

The more I grow up, the more I see how blessed I am with this family.

Cousins, cousins are brothers and sisters

Just with different last names.

The people who drive you insane

Are the ones you miss the most.

The most annoying things in the world

Make the most impact in your memory.

When you're young, you act old.

When you're older, you wish you were younger.

When you're here, you wish you are there.

People are disappointing

Because you first chose to have expectations.

They lose your trust

Because you first chose to believe in them.

They break your heart

Because you first chose to give your heart away.

They make you sad

Because they once made you happy.

They make you cry

Because they once cried with you.

They hurt you

Because you chose to love them.

I've become a page in history

An once upon a time

A leave that withers after summer

A desert in the wind

A shooting star

A past memory.

But I refuse, to lose hope.

I believe there are good people.

Today I've had many firsts.

First time waking up at 7 am willingly by myself.

First time riding in a limousine.

First time going to a funeral.

First time seeing a dead body up close.

First time seeing my cousins cry.

All these "firsts" aren't necessarily pleasant experiences.

Even riding in a limo...was a bit of a pain...

I had to sit backwards.

Life is full of many many "firsts".

In many circumstances we can choose, who to give our firsts to.

But the times when we can't choose, we can only choose to accept.

I've accepted that you are gone.

But acceptance doesn't take away how much I miss you.

Acceptance doesn't take away the pain of separation.

First Post From Canada

Since my arrival I have been doing nothing but eat and sleep.

I was pondering upon my laziness and why it is the case

And I came to the conclusion that the big difference between Canada and the 852

Is that Hong Kong runs on time.

There is only one clock in the house here.

In Hong Kong, the clock rules our life.

The mentality of doing doing and doing

Is almost nonexistent here.

Don't get me wrong, I miss Hong Kong.

Big time.

I miss every single one of you.

When I left I can't help but think, this feels just like another vacation.

But in truth, I am not going to be back anytime soon.

This, where I am right now, is going to be my habitat

For the next 4 months.

Tears, so commonly thought of as a sign of weakness,

Requires so much strength to be allowed out.

I found that it is so much easier to be indifferent.

To be emotionless. To not feel any pain.

It is easy to push aside feelings.

But once you do, your heart begins to harden.

You begin to forget the joy in tears. The joy in pain.

You begin to forget the beauty in ashes.

But if you look deep within you,

There is a part of you that you try to ignore.

The weak part of your heart that you try to hide.

You begin to think you are strong.

But you are not.

Because in truth, you are only avoiding.

You are only running away.

The valley of the shadow of death

Sometimes might not be a literal path

But the dark roads in your heart.

The part of you that you are afraid to walk through.

But He promised, He will never leave or abandon you.

His rod and his staff, they comfort you.

In the midst of all transitions and adjustments

There is one thing I can rely on.

I am thankful that God is not only the God of Hong Kong

But the God of this world.

He is here as much as he is there.

He is moving here as much as he is there.

So much uncertainty, yet so much assurance

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."

"If you make the Most High your dwelling -

even the Lord, who is my refuge -

then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you

in all your ways."

Psalm 91

The heart of God is vibrant.

It burns, passionately.

The heart of God is on fire.

The easy way out is to live with indifference.

But the narrow way is to take on His heart.

The narrow way is the way Home.

Wouldn't it be easier, if we don't hide our feelings?

Wouldn't things be much simpler, if we can say what we truly feel?

I wish people don't hide behind masks.

And I wish we can see the people we want to see, anytime we want.

I wish the world was the size of Hong Kong, so that no place is more than 30 minutes away.

I wish you could have a snapshot of my heart, so that you can see the room I reserved for you.

I wish you knew how much you mean to me.

I wish you knew how real it was for me.

And I wish I had the chance to tell you..

Fashioned for the very fabric of God

I was made for loving You.

Tears make my heart soft

I am ready for the return of the Lover.

This heart has long been hardened.

And life...life is not telling me to soften it up.

Life is telling me to build a fortress, a wall of defense.

For a long time, I fought being vulnerable.

Emotions are soon forgotten.

Good days are hard to distinguish

When I fought all the bad days.

I fought the storm

I fought the rain

And I never tasted the sunshine.

I breathed a prayer to You

I wanted to feel again.

And you took from me what was dear to me.

You asked from me, what was most precious to me.

As you asked Abraham to lay down his son on the altar

You asked from me.

As You did, You opened my eyes.

You won my heart.

I can be vulnerable, safely vulnerable.

Someone told me a story today

Of a man who has conquered everyone.

He who has conquered everything

Is a lonely man.

He stands aloof on top of everyone else

And there is no one beside him to share his joy.

A man who has everything

Has nothing to live for.

Nothing to strive for.

I am not a person to shop on impulse

But I do shop for a lot of unnecessary things.

Seeing that I am leaving in exactly a week

I attempted to insanely-shop these few days.

And I found that shopping is a lot like...life?

There are clothes that are simply...not worth it.

Even if you are momentarily north and south pole attracted to it

If something isn't worth it, it won't last long.

Once you put something down, walk away.

Walk away and don't ponder what you've lost.

Know that you will find something better.

Something that will be equally...breath-taking.

Never shop on impulses.

Most of the time you realize later on that you were stupid.

Wasted money and wasted time.

The money you wasted could have been spent on something

Truly worthwhile, truly unique.

Something that only you will have.

Don't go for something everyone wants and will eventually have.

Don't. Go. For. The. Eye. Candy.

The clothes should make you stand out.

You don't want people's eyes to be on your clothes

And not you.

Well I guess in some ways you do,

But ultimately, the real flavor is inside of you

Clothes can only define you so much.

Don't try to satisfy yourself.

Because you never will.

Sometimes you think you want it bad.

A lot of times you are probably wrong.

If you can remain loyal to it for a period of time

Then I guess you do want it bad.

When you have everything,

There is nothing to strive for.

Time, hence, is a very good test.

For loyalty,

And your heart.