It's been forever since I've watched a TV show on an actual television. Never would've thought college would deprive me of my TV...of all things. Sitting in front of my aunt's 54 inch plasma television today, flipping through all these foreign channels, I decided to catch an episode of According to Jim.

I started to watch when Ruby decided to go to the dance with her Uncle Andy instead of her father. As a little girl entering her adolescent years, she didn't want her daddy to kiss her when he drops her off at school. She didn't want her father to be her date. The part on the dance was hilarious if you know how Andy is like hahah. Andy was doing his horrific dance while Ruby sits by herself. I have to admit that cracked me up for a long while. Long story short, while Ruby was sulking in her seat, Jim appears in his suit - "I was taking a walk with my suit on, I heard music outside so I came in."

I couldn't help but tear up while watching this. I find myself asking my Daddy, "What are You doing here?" I can just imagine God beating around the bush, not wanting to embarrass my stupidity. What was I thinking - to go without Him, to think that I would take someone better. Jim takes his daughter's hand and starts dancing with her. Soon Ruby's friend came and asks if she wanted to hang out by the fruit punch table (it's a 12 year old party haha). Ruby looked at her daddy and this is what he said to her:

"Go ahead, we've got our whole lives to dance.

But just remember, when you come back - I'll still be here."

My Daddy is just like any other daddy. It's not that he doesn't let me dance with anyone else. I forgot to mention how sad Jim was when he found out his daughter chose Andy over him. Andy is his wife's brother :S He was sad because he had been so excited to share this moment with his daughter - to be her first date to a dance. He wanted to be there with her, to be there for her. What's amazing is that even after Ruby had chosen someone else over him, he went back for her, offering his hand, offering himself.

This is a lifelong dance and He has promised to always be my date.

His faithfulness is not a prison - it's freedom, it's home.

How great it is to know that you can always go back to Him

When you've messed up, when you find yourself sitting alone.

While the world sees a wallflower, He sees a beautiful blooming flower.

How awesome is our Daddy's love?

How unconditional is it? How constant, how unchanging?

Would you dance with me, my beloved?

Would you come away with me?

Daddy take my hand and lead me in this dance.

Today I came across a poem

something shiny caught my eye
on my very last dive
when i was scavenging

i found an open clam shell
with the insides pearly and white
reflecting the sunlight above the sea
the clam itself had probably been eaten by a lobster or a crab
and what had been left was a large dab of the angel-white substance
resembling a heart-shaped giant and flat pearl

i dived down and reached it
delighted
the insides of the clam shell were so beautiful
like something pure and alive in the blue-green corals
shining
a star in the deep
i held onto it firmly with my right hand
deciding to to bring it home as a souvenir for mom
or for us to remember underwater langkawi

when it was time to go up
i was near the surface
ascending
looking down, with the clam shell in my hand
satisfied
couldn’t wait to show-and-tell the people in the boat

1 meter away from the top
suddenly an urge inside forced me to drop it
as if it is what i should and must do
as if i couldn’t help but let go
even though i wanted it so much
so much
my right palm slowly unfolded
a will of its own

i watched the treasure drop
and drop
… and drop
until it reached the bottom
about 15 meters down
mesmerized
why?

this time a voice inside me spoke
that quiet, mysterious voice
always uttering paradoxes
then i knew
that just as the treasures of the ocean are not ours to remove
or control
or take at will
my life is also not mine to control

earthly treasures
possessions
life itself
no matter how much you value it
how important it means to you

for things such as these
the big lesson is and has always been
to let go

- Johanna Ma

Today I came across a very old song on Youtube

A love song that I used to listen to back in grade 8

Before I even knew how to use Youtube.

I remember going from forum to forum searching for this song.

I realized how far we've come.

It seems like forever ago

That I first knew what love was.

It seems too long ago -

That my heart was whole and untainted.

In discovering my purpose,

In living out this life, I find myself afraid of moving forward.

What should I say?

What words can put together the condition of my heart?

But listening to this song again,

I realized what I had not known back then.

This Love that had never, ever left me all these years.

I don't know what it is about me that You love.

But somehow - You never, for a second, thought of leaving me.

You would take me in with my shame.

You don't care the kind of mess I have trailing behind me

You said You'd take all of me.

You don't care where I've been, who I've been with

To the world, I have nothing beautiful to offer to You

But You want my heart.

I'm lost with words.

At how You want to spend lifetime with me.

Why anyone would want to spend every second with me -

Remains a mystery to me.

This heart is not strong, it's porcelain.

Why anyone would bother mending this brokenness

Wiping the tears as they come -

That remains a question without answer.

Why would You give Yourself to someone so careless with herself?

You are more than my reward

More than I will ever deserve.

"See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth, the season of singing has come,

The cooing of doves is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit,

The blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling,

My beautiful one, come with me."

Jesus take the wheel.

My English prof was sharing what she learned in a psychology lecture the other day.

She talked about how having a wish list in a marriage can rekindle love again.

In most marriages, the fire tends to die down in 10-15 years - so she said.

To rekindle that love again, each spouse should have their own wish list

A wish list to give to your partner.

A man's first wish on his list was to be able to go on a trip, completely spontaneous.

Every time they go on a trip, his wife would make an itinerary of the things they would do.

He wanted to much to be able to just get behind the wheels and drive

Without having a schedule to follow.

What does it mean to follow?

It's not giving Jesus a list of things you want to achieve in life

It's not giving him a list of places you want to go

It's not giving him a list of traits you wish to find in your husband.

It's not giving him anything -

But yourself.

Your presence

And your willingness to go wherever He takes you.

You are to trust your partner enough to let him drive

To know that at the end of the day you are not going to starve

Or sleep on the roadside.

It is to know that you will be provided for, you will be taken care of.

It is to know that he has your best interest in heart.

Complete willingness means you're not going to complain every 5 minutes in the car

Or ask endlessly, "are we there yet?"

I think a lot of it simply means, enjoy the ride.

I trust that You're taking me on an adventure.

I trust that I am safe wherever we are.

I trust that You will not abandon me.

I trust that You will be with me till the end.

It's time to sit back and relax.

It's time to obey and follow.

The world, has nothing for me.

This world has nothing for me.

I will follow You.

I look around and I'm not satisfied.

My heart yearns for a resting place

It is nowhere to be found.

My eyes seek for community.

I see none.

I'm growing numb to indifference.

I'm trying very hard.

But what is grace?

What is grace in your life?

It's there, whether you want it or not.

Grace destroys the effort in trying

Because you can try so hard and still never be able to get there by yourself

Grace is getting what you don't deserve

It's unmerited.

Meaning nothing you can do or don't do

Changes what grace is in our life.

It's constant.

Walk with me in this pool of grace

Teach me how to live in it.

My heart needs an awakening.

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but the presence of Jesus."