"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are my ways higher than your ways

And my thoughts than your thoughts."

I'm not too sure who follows this blog -

But for those who do and have gotten a strange Facebook message from my friend regarding my mom, I shall tell of God's sovereignty.

On thursday night I got a call from my aunt who said that my dad could not find my mom in Taiwan. Her plane should have landed at around 7pm Vancouver time but we could not contact her for three - almost four hours. My aunt kept calling to see if I heard anything from my dad and my mind began to race - I began to cry. In between my tears I tried to pray. In between my wild imaginations, I knew there was a small voice in my head - "Be still and know that I am God". But being still was the last thing I could do that night. For almost an hour there was nothing from my mom nor my dad and my head went through all the possibilities as to why my mom is missing. As my friend was praying with me, I found myself struggling to say I trust you God. After my friend pray, I started to pray. I don't remember what I prayed but I do remember at the moment I said "Lord I trust you, you know what you are doing" - the moment after that my dad called on the other line and my mom asks, "Why are you still awake, don't you have an exam tomorrow?" Thank you dear friend, your prayers are powerful =)

For the second time that day, I found myself speechless before the Lord. Looking back, I feel bad for having so many people worried for me. But because of this incident, I am brought to humility before others and most importantly - before Him. What do I know of faith? What do I know of God's wisdom and his plans? Who am I to question Him, who am I to worry? That night I could not go to sleep and at around 12:00am I received an email. It's an email from a daily devotions I subscribed to a long time ago. For some reason they stopped sending me daily devotions but on this particular day I received an email from them. The topic of day was "Do not worry". I cannot explain to you how I felt at that moment, but my heart leaped. I was afraid - at the power of God, at his sovereignty and at his never failing protection over me. Fear in the Lord comes with reverence; it comes with understanding and seeing His nature and his might. When you see the Lord for who he is, you should fear. Moses fell on his knees before the consuming fire. But to know that this almighty God loves us, to know that he still loves me even after I have proved myself so unfaithful, so doubtful - that is too much for me to understand. To love someone so imperfect as me...only God can do it.

In times of trouble, God looks for a still heart. Man looks at actions, the Lord looks at our hearts. It took my dad almost an hour later to find my mom, it took me almost an hour later to place my trust in Him. But hey, who else do you trust, if not the God of this universe, the God who holds all things?

The God who will always, always, always be faithful.

If only you knew...

How violently, how radically, how powerfully

He is in love with us, ravished by our hearts

Drawn to our presence.

How he is jealous of you

How much he desires you

If only you knew...

That this is forever

This is a promise, a commitment that runs through eternity.

Then your life would never be the same again.

A friend once asked me who I miss the most being away from home.

My initial response, of course, was my parents.

But as the day of departure is drawing closer

I'm giving that question a second thought.

Not to say that I miss my parents any less

But friends, faces...

Faces flashed in the back of my head -

Faces I had not expected to come up.

In fact, I had not been thinking of these faces in awhile...

But as they flash before my eyes, there was a warm bubbling feeling.

A feeling of excitement, anticipation and yearning.

And I've come to prove the old saying

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As I try to draw out the details of these faces,

I tried to recall the last time I talked to them.

It's been so long...

I have never been a huge fan of...technology.

I think many of you have heard me say that life is better without Facebook.

I think nowadays, keeping in touch has become so easy that the meaning is lost.

It used to be just...keeping in touch, with the people you really want to keep in touch.

With such a wide web of connections, it's almost like you're obliged to keep in touch

With, well, literally everyone you once knew.

But as I pondered over these faces,

Warm memories swarmed in my mind.

And I realize, you don't need to talk all the time with your friends.

You don't need to do anything, so deliberately - not saying effort isn't required.

But a friendship goes both ways

When there is a mutual anticipation

You can pick up where you had both left off

And nothing would have changed.

It's like trying to hitchhike a ride...

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

- Proverbs 24:18.

Here's to my dearly missed family, in blood and in Jesus' blood.

(And to the one sleeping like a swine on my bed...)

Today is one of those days...

Lord, at the end of the day

You know me best.

To think that I have my best interest in mind...

Well well well...what do I know of "best".

To think that I can run after you with all these baggages dragging behind me

What do I know of flying?

What do you know of soaring, my child?

He will fight your storms

All You want is for me to gaze upon your beauty

Not running back and forth

Wondering if you fixed my life for me.

To be lost in your eyes...

遵主命令尋求主面，信主言語靠主宏恩，

一切掛慮全交託主，歡喜等候禱告良辰。

有捨就有得

To gain is to lose

To live is to die

I wish I would die so You can live.

In 22 days, we will need to say goodbye to year 2010.

Looking back, this year is so full of ups and downs

No doubt, it's been a difficult year...

Graduating, going to university, moving away from home

And perhaps losing relationships that have been so dear to me.

But the Lord has been so good, so faithful.

He gives and he takes.

I don't know what else to call this but the path of grace.

The path flowing with his unmerited love, his underserving grace to my life

Every step of the way, he says "My grace is sufficient."

What else do you need?

你是我的主.引我走正義路.

高山或低谷.都是你在保護.

萬人中唯獨.你愛我認識我.

永遠不變的應許.這一生都是祝福.

一步又一步.這是恩典之路.

你愛.你手.將我緊緊抓住.

一步又一步.這是盼望之路.

你愛.你手.牽引我走這人生路.

I don't want to create opportunities anymore

I don't You to come after me.

It's been forever since I've watched a TV show on an actual television. Never would've thought college would deprive me of my TV...of all things. Sitting in front of my aunt's 54 inch plasma television today, flipping through all these foreign channels, I decided to catch an episode of According to Jim.

I started to watch when Ruby decided to go to the dance with her Uncle Andy instead of her father. As a little girl entering her adolescent years, she didn't want her daddy to kiss her when he drops her off at school. She didn't want her father to be her date. The part on the dance was hilarious if you know how Andy is like hahah. Andy was doing his horrific dance while Ruby sits by herself. I have to admit that cracked me up for a long while. Long story short, while Ruby was sulking in her seat, Jim appears in his suit - "I was taking a walk with my suit on, I heard music outside so I came in."

I couldn't help but tear up while watching this. I find myself asking my Daddy, "What are You doing here?" I can just imagine God beating around the bush, not wanting to embarrass my stupidity. What was I thinking - to go without Him, to think that I would take someone better. Jim takes his daughter's hand and starts dancing with her. Soon Ruby's friend came and asks if she wanted to hang out by the fruit punch table (it's a 12 year old party haha). Ruby looked at her daddy and this is what he said to her:

"Go ahead, we've got our whole lives to dance.

But just remember, when you come back - I'll still be here."

My Daddy is just like any other daddy. It's not that he doesn't let me dance with anyone else. I forgot to mention how sad Jim was when he found out his daughter chose Andy over him. Andy is his wife's brother :S He was sad because he had been so excited to share this moment with his daughter - to be her first date to a dance. He wanted to be there with her, to be there for her. What's amazing is that even after Ruby had chosen someone else over him, he went back for her, offering his hand, offering himself.

This is a lifelong dance and He has promised to always be my date.

His faithfulness is not a prison - it's freedom, it's home.

How great it is to know that you can always go back to Him

When you've messed up, when you find yourself sitting alone.

While the world sees a wallflower, He sees a beautiful blooming flower.

How awesome is our Daddy's love?

How unconditional is it? How constant, how unchanging?

Would you dance with me, my beloved?

Would you come away with me?

Daddy take my hand and lead me in this dance.

Today I came across a poem

something shiny caught my eye
on my very last dive
when i was scavenging

i found an open clam shell
with the insides pearly and white
reflecting the sunlight above the sea
the clam itself had probably been eaten by a lobster or a crab
and what had been left was a large dab of the angel-white substance
resembling a heart-shaped giant and flat pearl

i dived down and reached it
delighted
the insides of the clam shell were so beautiful
like something pure and alive in the blue-green corals
shining
a star in the deep
i held onto it firmly with my right hand
deciding to to bring it home as a souvenir for mom
or for us to remember underwater langkawi

when it was time to go up
i was near the surface
ascending
looking down, with the clam shell in my hand
satisfied
couldn’t wait to show-and-tell the people in the boat

1 meter away from the top
suddenly an urge inside forced me to drop it
as if it is what i should and must do
as if i couldn’t help but let go
even though i wanted it so much
so much
my right palm slowly unfolded
a will of its own

i watched the treasure drop
and drop
… and drop
until it reached the bottom
about 15 meters down
mesmerized
why?

this time a voice inside me spoke
that quiet, mysterious voice
always uttering paradoxes
then i knew
that just as the treasures of the ocean are not ours to remove
or control
or take at will
my life is also not mine to control

earthly treasures
possessions
life itself
no matter how much you value it
how important it means to you

for things such as these
the big lesson is and has always been
to let go

- Johanna Ma

Today I came across a very old song on Youtube

A love song that I used to listen to back in grade 8

Before I even knew how to use Youtube.

I remember going from forum to forum searching for this song.

I realized how far we've come.

It seems like forever ago

That I first knew what love was.

It seems too long ago -

That my heart was whole and untainted.

In discovering my purpose,

In living out this life, I find myself afraid of moving forward.

What should I say?

What words can put together the condition of my heart?

But listening to this song again,

I realized what I had not known back then.

This Love that had never, ever left me all these years.

I don't know what it is about me that You love.

But somehow - You never, for a second, thought of leaving me.

You would take me in with my shame.

You don't care the kind of mess I have trailing behind me

You said You'd take all of me.

You don't care where I've been, who I've been with

To the world, I have nothing beautiful to offer to You

But You want my heart.

I'm lost with words.

At how You want to spend lifetime with me.

Why anyone would want to spend every second with me -

Remains a mystery to me.

This heart is not strong, it's porcelain.

Why anyone would bother mending this brokenness

Wiping the tears as they come -

That remains a question without answer.

Why would You give Yourself to someone so careless with herself?

You are more than my reward

More than I will ever deserve.

"See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth, the season of singing has come,

The cooing of doves is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit,

The blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling,

My beautiful one, come with me."

Jesus take the wheel.

My English prof was sharing what she learned in a psychology lecture the other day.

She talked about how having a wish list in a marriage can rekindle love again.

In most marriages, the fire tends to die down in 10-15 years - so she said.

To rekindle that love again, each spouse should have their own wish list

A wish list to give to your partner.

A man's first wish on his list was to be able to go on a trip, completely spontaneous.

Every time they go on a trip, his wife would make an itinerary of the things they would do.

He wanted to much to be able to just get behind the wheels and drive

Without having a schedule to follow.

What does it mean to follow?

It's not giving Jesus a list of things you want to achieve in life

It's not giving him a list of places you want to go

It's not giving him a list of traits you wish to find in your husband.

It's not giving him anything -

But yourself.

Your presence

And your willingness to go wherever He takes you.

You are to trust your partner enough to let him drive

To know that at the end of the day you are not going to starve

Or sleep on the roadside.

It is to know that you will be provided for, you will be taken care of.

It is to know that he has your best interest in heart.

Complete willingness means you're not going to complain every 5 minutes in the car

Or ask endlessly, "are we there yet?"

I think a lot of it simply means, enjoy the ride.

I trust that You're taking me on an adventure.

I trust that I am safe wherever we are.

I trust that You will not abandon me.

I trust that You will be with me till the end.

It's time to sit back and relax.

It's time to obey and follow.

The world, has nothing for me.

This world has nothing for me.

I will follow You.

I look around and I'm not satisfied.

My heart yearns for a resting place

It is nowhere to be found.

My eyes seek for community.

I see none.

I'm growing numb to indifference.

I'm trying very hard.

But what is grace?

What is grace in your life?

It's there, whether you want it or not.

Grace destroys the effort in trying

Because you can try so hard and still never be able to get there by yourself

Grace is getting what you don't deserve

It's unmerited.

Meaning nothing you can do or don't do

Changes what grace is in our life.

It's constant.

Walk with me in this pool of grace

Teach me how to live in it.

My heart needs an awakening.

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but the presence of Jesus."

Blogspot, I feel like I've abandoned you.

With Tumblr, Twitter and may I introduce to you all -

My new diary :)

Oh dear, it's hard to keep up with it all.

But lately, I feel like my thoughts need to be constructed in private.

A Bigger Dream

I took some time to think about my thoughts today

Most revolved around food, midterms, what to do this weekend,

People, and I confess - too much negativity about people.

I don't like what I found.

CED classes have prep me well

Memory verses do come in handy.

Whatever is noble and clean - think upon such things.

What's godly, what's not?

Have you tried running on a treadmill with your eyes closed?

I bet not. I also do not recommend it.

It's a scarring experience.

But to run in a race, you need to have your eyes on a focus

Something to keep you in balance.

Likewise, to run in this race called life -

We need to have our eyes on something.

For some, it's success. They want to go higher and further. They want to be on top of the game.

For some, it's complacency. They like the way things were and there is no heart for adventure.

For some, it's love. Dependency brings comfort and security - all too soon shattered.

For some, it's grudges. We live to show them we're better.

For some, it's simply life. We live for the sake of passing by. We live life like a butterfly, with stages to complete. Graduating, getting married, having kids, earning big money, retiring. And finally dying.

There is no satisfaction because this isn't what we were made for.

We were made to be loved. To be loved is to be beautiful.

We were made to bear upon a badge of beauty on us.

But not what the world defines as beautiful.

Have you ever thought a person was beautiful, but in time that ceases to be so?

For the girls out there, what kind of woman do you want to be?

Take some time and seriously think about the woman in your life - who lives to be a role model?

I have found that those I can look up to might not be the prettiest in the world's eyes

But you can no doubt see beauty emanating from them

That's because the origin, the creator of beauty lives in them.

The beautiful one resides in their hearts -

They can't help but glorify his beauty

They can't help but reveal his grace.

To the woman whom I look up to

I thank God for putting you in my life

That I may know what it means to live a peaceful and quiet life

A life of gentleness and faithfulness.

A life that's beautiful.

A life in which Christ is living in.

I have had three unpublished posts in the span of 3 days

And to find just the right expression for my state of emotions is in fact -

Not very difficult.

Lately it's been "tuck-me-away-in-my-closet" sort of days

Thoughts have been thrown in this lost sea

Visits have been made to reflections.

What's a journey to tread on without looking to see how far we've come?

I gained a better picture of the course I'm steering towards

Or should I say, I've been shown a better picture of the direction I'm heading to.

I've made a visit to my old self

When recklessness was my driver.

A headless chicken runabout without a brain

A headless chicken would be a right comparison.

But recklessness has to do with innocence

When consequence is an unknown factor.

I was a passenger on a highway

With recklessness as my driver.

Do I wish to go on the same path again?

18 and legal in some places, I am an adult.

To say yes is to be stupid.

But there is that little giggly self of me hiding behind the bush

Hoping to run around without my head again.

Back when taking a step forward would not send shocking triggers down my back.

You may say I've become cautious

Why not hop on and see where it takes you?

Dear friend, I am already on my way

And I am not stopping for anything.

One fine day I may see that you would want to go the same way

But until then, this train is not stopping.

Time is not wasted in waiting

Because in fact, we're on our way.

A year ago, the ticking of the clock frightened me.

But now I know the Author of Time.

Godspeed.

This train is not stopping.

You Were Born To Be Loved

你是為了接受主愛被揀選的人

당신은 사랑받기위해 태어난 사람

君は愛されるために生まれた

Just in case you couldn't read one language or another

I have 25% of you understanding that.

You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

- Jeremiah 1

I needed something green.

Something fresh and alive.

Have you ever came across a smell

And it triggers a whole chain of memories in your head?

Putting on my Shea butter & sesame oil body balm today

I suddenly smelled home.

I smelled that lingering bittersweet feeling

Just one weeks before I left Hong Kong.

I smelled of frustration and of confusion

That goes beyond the difficulty in leaving.

I smelled of that perplexed me

While I was to find a way out of the spiderweb

While I frantically tried to chase time

Only to find that it wasn't time that betrayed me

But the you who was wearing the watch.

The you playing with the needles of the clock.

Today I'm no longer angry.

I'm no longer running around

I have found peace.

And this peace is mine

As I sit in silence in the palm of His hand.

As I watch Him finish painting this grand picture

As I watch Him put the pieces of this puzzle in their places

I know that this, this palm is where I belong.

My God is not dead, He's surely alive.

Before heading off to Passion Vancouver yesterday

I saw a rainbow for the first time in my life.

For a city girl, I've always wanted to see a real one and here it is -

Right before me, from one end to the other

Arching above my head.

And I remembered His promise -

While trying to chase it to the end.

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds,

and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.

Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds,

I will remember my covenant between me and you

and all living creatures of every kind..."

- Genesis 9

And I wondered if God was thinking about the same thing

When he saw the rainbow.

It has been a few thousands of years...

But his word, his promises - they last for eternity.

God is good, God is so good.

When we started off our journey to Rogers Arena,

My friend and I had no idea how to get there.

But for some reason, we were able to find another group of UBC students

Randomly on the sky-train.

And we tagged along and got there just in time.

If you ask me to go there again I would not know.

There were 10,933 from all over North American last night.

And to think that God wasn't moving in this city...

To think that God is dead.

No, my God is surely alive in this city.

But I remember one thing he said last night.

Rogers Arena is located in downtown, somewhere near Chinatown.

(That's the best description I can give).

Everyone has warned me about Chinatown, East Hastings.

It's a place where heroine addict gather, where prostitution prospers.

Where hollow hearts congregated.

Where the devil is at work powerfully.

Yet, where God's grace reaches further.

And the guy was saying last night,

As the band was walking through East Hastings,

Their hearts broke.

And he wondered, would Jesus be celebrating and dancing

With ten thousand of us in the stadium

Or would he be slipping out over and over again

To see his lost sheep.

To see the brokenhearted.

To see those who desperately need him in their lives.

Hollow eyes are everywhere.

They aren't just in East Hastings.

They are at your workplace, at your schools,

Where you live.

They are at your family, your circle of friends.

God had told Abraham that he would not destroy the city of Sodom

If there were 20 people who are righteous.

"for the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it."

If ten thousand of us decide to take up His cross -

God's compassion moves through us.

His mercy will be manifested.

There would be ten thousands of empty vessels for the grace of God to flow down.

It was a cold, cold night last night.

While we were sound asleep in a room with central heating.

There are people shooting up heroine

Just a few streets down the road.

Living in a vicious cycle of hopelessness and despair.

Break my heart, for what breaks Yours.

In a city so dead, may Your Spirit breathe life.

Pinky Promise

"Be confident of this, that he who began a good

work in you will carry it on to completion until

the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:6

As I read on about the relationship between God and Abram,

I'm almost jealous of the promises God made to him.

Imagine yourself, childless, wrinkly and old

And someone tells you you're descendants will be as great as the stars.

Not only that, but that your descendants will be slaves for 400 years

Only to return to where you are from in the 4th generations.

Hey, that also means you will have a great number of descendants.

That's not the best part, because if you read on -

God kept his promise, and they returned to the land of Canaan

In the book of Joshua.

That is plenty of books later on...

But the point is, God kept his word.

I believe many of us have stopped believing in promises.

Just because hardly anyone really keeps them nowadays.

But this covenant God made with Abram

Is a living example of faithfulness

Of a faithful God who keeps his promises.

And he will carry on the good work he began in you

Until we see him face to face.

Why Abraham?

As I was reading Genesis 12 today,

I came to question why God chose Abraham (or Abram then).

I mean, he wasn't the most honest man.

He lied to Pharaoh about Sarai so he won't be killed

And later on, he made love to his wife's servant because Sarai was barren.

Seriously, why Abraham?

Ask, and you shall receive.

Ask questions and there will be answers.

Abraham, was a man of faith.

That's it. As simple as that.

And this just shows how deeds from man means nothing to salvation.

We cannot build our way to righteousness.

We may be the most honest person on earth

We may have the most charitable heart.

We may be the most generous to the poor.

But at the end of the day, we are still so full of crap in our hearts.

Faith alone - is what it takes.

Faith is what Abraham had.

And that's what pleased God.

Abel pleased God, by faith.

Now ask yourself today, do you have faith?

Look past everything you are doing

Every ministry you are in

Where is your faith?

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt,

not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain,

"Go, throw yourself into the sea," and it will be done.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Matthew 21:21.

有位愛我的天父，祂永遠不放棄我，
祂愛的同在使我完全，我深知祂顧念著我，我知祂顧念著我。

在許多危難時刻，在流淚的過程，你永不離開或丟棄我，
我深知你顧念著我，我知你顧念著我。

吸引我貼近你心，擁抱在你懷裡，
我愛你我的天父，你是我的一切。

I was having a conversation with a dear friend today

She said college has really changed me -

As in, I'm actually exercising out of my own will.

We both agree that for the first time,

We taste freedom and independence.

For the first time, we could really do what we want

Just bear your own consequences.

Blink, and it's mid-October.

In two months, we will be on the plane back to Hong Kong.

And as much as I cannot wait to go back,

I am afraid of going back.

In our minds, nothing has changed

In reality, everything has changed.

It's weird what we want sometimes.

I found myself wishing that we can just go on with our lives

Without having to go back

And catch glimpses of our past.

I wish we didn't have to go back and forth

With present and future.

College, more than anything, feels like the future.

Hong Kong, as I hate to say - the past.

And right now, I feel like a ghost hovering in between the two

Not knowing where present lies.

The more you grow up, the more you see

Emotions have no definitions.

They are such relative and personal words.

My friend told me that she still could not find college comfortable

Because it doesn't feel "normal".

But what is normal?

Going back would not be normal

Because everything is the same old, but different.

But this is where you learn to walk by faith.

To walk humbly and obediently after the one who sees the bigger picture.

This is where you learn to hold on and fight

When the world screams at you to give up, to give in.

Along the way, you will find that your heart is greedy

If you will just pause for a minute and talk to your heart

Ask your heart what it wants

The list is endless, the list goes on.

The human heart will never be at peace

Until we acknowledge that these desires

Are like appetites.

You can go on eating forever

Only to find that you will be hungry again

But hey, I've got the solution for you.

I know the solution.

Fight the good fight.

In the midst of such a hectic week,

I really shouldn't be blogging...

But I think I've come to the brink of the cliffs

And writing seems like a haven at the moment.

Mommy went back to Hong Kong today

Suddenly it feels like it's just me and college.

2 midterms are done and over with

Got my first english paper back.

Math midterm this friday...

I have yet to finish my math assignment due in 23 minutes.

God is a gracious God, no matter what you say.

I went to the library to do my math homework

After all tutorial services have closed.

But what I found was a math major sitting right across me

Who was very, I repeat, very helpful.

That could not have been a coincidence.

I have asked for help, and that's the help that I got.

For some reason, I'm feeling exhausted.

I feel like I have my life to take care of

Now that mommy is back in Hong Kong.

I found myself thinking, if this will be me

In ten years - looking after myself.

There was a memo on our dorm today

Telling women not to travel by themselves after dark

Apparently, a few girls have been attacked on campus

There is nothing new under the sun.

I'm tired.

I feel like I carry a fifty year-old soul.

This is me - exhaling my inner rant.

I wish life could slow down

I wish life can fast forward itself

I am a paradoxical person.

I'm glad my God will never forsake me

Eternity, can be understood.

It's not an empty word.

Eternity means forever,

It's a circle - like a ring.

Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

I read this verse to a dear friend a few days ago

Funny how it's exactly what I need.

I need to know that I will be taken care of.

I think too often, we try to hide our pain.

We try to appear bigger, stronger and greater than the storms in life.

We avoid, we ignore, we suppress our stinging wounds

Sometimes we seek temporary relief

Too often, we find ourselves in the same place

The same fear.

But hey, sometimes - it's okay to hurt.

It's okay to admit you are needy

Because to admit that means you are being honest

Better yet is to admit it to the person who can help you

If you don't tell the doctor your problem,

He isn't going to force his needle on you.

Cry, it's okay to cry.

Because the skies cry all the time.

When they stop crying, though

The trees are refreshed

The grass is greener

The air is fresher

Sometimes, you can also see the rainbow.

It's okay to be weak

Because from weak, you can be stronger.

A dear friend once told me

To be molded by God, you must be a wet piece of clay.

She said you must drown yourself in the presence of God

In the goodness of the Spirit.

Right now, I think being a wet piece of clay

Also means letting your tears out

Let the truth flow out

Because you are never crying alone.

What do words express?

Words are but a portion of what I feel.

Words only tell so much about me.

Who will go beneath these words

And look into my heart?

Who will pursue me

Beyond who I may seem to be?

Who will go an extra mile

To discover my dreams?

Who will make the effort

To unveil my fears?

Who will chase me

When I run away?

Who will come after me

When I try to escape?

Who will look for me

When I go into hiding?

Who will love me

And never change?

Who will stand up for me

When fingers point my way?

Who will fight for me

When attacks are directed at me?

Who will be with me

When I cry in the corner?

Who will lend me a shoulder

When my head feels too heavy?

Who will look my way

When the glamor of the world shines at its brightest?

Who will pay me any attention

When the stars sparkle at their prettiest?

Who will offer a hand

When the burden I have is even too heavy for me?

Who will stay with me

When the world sees a better companion?

Who will find me beautiful

When all I have are rags and shags?

Who will know how I feel

When words aren't enough?

When I don't find the strength to speak?

When words lose meaning

Words have lost their meaning.

Answer me, will You?

Please just look into my heart

And speak to it.

Talking has become an exhaustion.

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future, same today

Take me, mold me, use me, fill me

Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me.

Oh dear Potter

Captivate me.

賜我勇敢的心一無畏懼，因為我願為祢去

Wake Me Up When September Ends

It's so hard to believe a month went by so quickly.

I've been in this city for almost two months now

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of Hong Kong

In the middle of finding the derivative of f(x) blah blah blah

I wonder if my security guard is still the same -

If he still recognizes me.

I miss the motion -

The action of the MTR Station, especially Admiralty during rush hours.

I miss celebrating October 1st

Even though patriotism was never too obvious on that day.

Watching the reruns of the fireworks on TV now

(not to mention the lame background music)

I miss the night view by the TST harbor, very much.

If Vancouver was a woman, she might be jealous of Hong Kong

I have to say, there is much to appreciate here.

I love that you can witness autumn here

Trees go from green to yellow, yellow to orange, orange to red

I love how when the wind blows your direction,

Withered leaves rain on you at the same time.

I love being able to see the moon while the sun shines on you

I love watching the sky turns orange at 6 o'clock.

After my Economics class at 5:30, a friend asked if I was going home.

I said, "I wish."

He laughed and asked if I was ever going to call my residence my home

If I was ever going to call Vancouver my home.

I was so sure to say no.

I was so sure to say that only Hong Kong will ever be my home.

Now that I think about it.

My home is neither of the two.

My home is growing everyday

Bigger and stronger.

I am not away from home

Because wherever I am,

There are people waiting to be shown the way home

There are orphans hoping to find home

There are the homeless who never knew what home was -

Let alone the warmth of home

And the depth of the father's love.

Oh, his children are just about everywhere you look.

You just got to open your eyes.

Ask Him to do that for you.

When I finally look up the lyrics of the song

給我重來的力量
不管傷多深

只要我們還願意就有可能

帶著重來的渴望

坦然過去的悲傷
每個懂愛的人

一定也懂得等
等那值得的人
直到最愛的人

I guess you can interpret this song differently

Depending on your situation and experiences.

I've read the lyrics many many times

Still I cannot be sure of its meaning.

But to me, this song tells me one thing.

And I believe that one thing, is true for everyone.

When you come across something you needed to hear

Even if it's in the most random places

You know it is no mere coincidence.

"饒恕是一份很難的功課。

饒恕絕對不是遺忘，

相反的，你必須一一面對過去的傷害，

一一的原諒。

對於一個沒有經歷到神的愛的人來說，

這無疑是一種二次傷害。

因此許多人只是選擇遺忘，

假裝自己已經原諒了，

但其實心裡面累積很多傷。

真正的饒恕，

並不是一般人印象中的以高姿態來原諒別人，

而是先要承認自己軟弱受傷，

沒有能力原諒，

再為他們，也為自己，祈求天父的赦免，

這樣神的愛才能進到你受傷之處，

在醫治的同時，也使你得著饒恕他人的能力。"

I asked the Lord to open my eyes -

He gave me an angel.

A man dressed not in splendor

But in rags and poverty.

"I tell you the truth,

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine,

you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

Close my eyes to everything insignificant

Close my ears to every lie and deceitful tongue

Close my eyes to the glamor of this world

Close my heart to every short-lived desire and feeling

Open my eyes to Your kingdom

Open my ears to cries and despair

Open my eyes to Your people in the corners of the streets

Open my path to people unseen, unheard of, uncared for

I want to be clean

I want Your heart

I want Your love overflowing

I want to trade all my sorrows for Your promises

I don't want to walk alone.

I don't want to fear

I want a fearless heart

I want Your armor

I want to forgive

I want Your protection

I want compassion and mercy

I want to be sent.

I want to bind up the brokenhearted

To pour oil of gladness.

I want You. So much of You.

I need You to walk with me everyday.

Three weeks went by exceptionally fast

So much has happened, so much has changed

And it felt like I've been thrown into a washing machine

Twisted, churned, stretched

While being cleaned in the process.

For the first time in my life

I felt as if I'm truly on my way.

Leaving my dorm today

Walking into the evening crisp

I suddenly remember what my friend told me:

"Vancouver grows on you."

He said that this city isn't glamorous

The city doesn't lit up at night

But it's peaceful.

And today I've had a taste of that.

You can't embrace the present

If you don't let go of the past.

For a long time I had no space for the present

The gift of today

Because I held the past as who I am.

I recall a conversation I had with a friend when I first moved here

We wondered if we were in the right place

If we were where we are supposed to be

What does God have in mind?

Friend, I want to tell you

As someone told me recently:

"It seems to me, you are exactly where you are supposed to be."

I often dwell upon "what-ifs"

What if I do this in tomorrow?

What if I did that in the past?

Those two questions begin the same

But carry much different values.

Time waits for nobody.

I vaguely remember the last sentence of the Great Gatsby:

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

And that's the tragedy -

Time goes one way.

There is a time to hold on

But there comes the time to let go

Only then can you run, only then can you soar

And see how far you can go.

I watched as the trees change their colors

As the leaves hang lifelessly down

I watched as leaves pile up beneath the tree

There is beauty in every stage of its life.

And when all else fades, my soul will dance with You

Where the love lasts forever

神關起一扇門，祂必開一條新路

I've developed a new fascination for coffee

And a new enjoyment in coffee talks since I came to this city.

You really get a lot out of these conversations over coffee

I guess that's because you are not going to take out your phone and text

While somebody tells you about their breakups.

You're not going to think about what you are going to cook for dinner

When someone asks you about your life aspirations.

When you sit down and really talk to someone

You give them your 100% attention

Perhaps occasionally you might get distracted by the hair in their eye

Or the way they tap their finger over the coffee table.

But ultimately, you take in their every word.

I am amazed at how God works.

How He places different people in your life

In different times to teach you different things.

I guess it's kind of like cooking...

You can't learn how to serve you food

Before you learn how to cook

You can't learn how to cook your fish

Without first learning how to clean your fish.

And if you are into fishing...

You can't learn how to clean your fish

Unless you've learned how to fish.

Like everything else

There is a time for everything.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Notice it wasn't joyful in affliction

Nor was it faithful in affliction.

Patience.

Patience is what I need.

我並不知道上帝會如何安排我生命的劇本，

但我知道祂會帶領我一步一腳印。

這種內心的平安，是再多的金錢也買不到的。

回顧過去一千多天，上帝確實狼狼地修理了我，

祂給予我這場放逐，無非要我找回自己的心。

心跟上帝早已緊扣，我再也不害怕，再也不膽怯，我要活出真正的自己。

活出生命更高的價值，不要扭曲自己奉迎這個世界。這是我對上帝的承諾。

- 鄭秀文的見證

There lies the difference between someone who knows God,

Someone who loves God and someone romanced by God.

Coming to this city far away from home

Far away from everything that defines me

I'm reconstructed.

But I am not starting from zero

There is a part of me that was and will never be again.

A part of me that is comfortable and safe

But to remain there means no growth.

I've learned a lot about myself

And who I am when I'm stripped of everything I take as my identity.

I am not the valedictorian here.

I do not get the highest grades.

I am not the smartest

I don't always say the right things or get the right answer.

I forgot how to do logarithms.

I only know about 0.1% of the population of my school

I have never BEEN to my whole school.

The people I have learned to be so reliant on

The people who hold me together

Have yet to learn to hold themselves.

Sometimes I wonder am I where I'm supposed to be?

Yet again and again, yes is the answer.

And I realized coming away is the only way to know myself again.

Contrarily to what many people think

Going back has become an escape for me

It means I have not the courage to unveil myself

To know who I really am.

You got to believe it's going to worth it in the end...

你是否願意相信

每時每刻都在我手裹

沒有事情 是太早或是太遲

日光之中

人流離在多變世俗裡

容我寧靜，聽候在你的跟前，
一心一意，願尋求你的旨意。
藏你懷內，看萬事變得空虛光輝不再，
願我此刻知你是神，願我得享安息，在你手裡。

I need You to tell me that I'm lovely

I need You to show me that You love me

I need to be sure that You won't leave me for someone else

I need You to be honest with me

I need You to hold me at night

I need You to never leave me, never break Your promises

I need You to wipe away my every tear

I need You to touch me where it hurts

I need You to take my heart away from me

I need You to carry me

I need You to tell me that I'm beautiful

I need You to never let go of me

This week has been a roller coaster.

Yet as much as I hate to be on one

I am not alone on this roller coaster.

You can tell me that life is hard -

Living behind bars of lies and insecurities

Straining to be freed from bleeding wounds

And everyday not a hint of a better tomorrow.

But every curse is a blessing.

The rainbow comes after rain

And with every living wound

Comes the hope of healing.

Vulnerability is not frailty.

It's not failure.

It's beauty.

It's every woman.

It' me.

It's my heart.

They say what doesn't break you only makes you stronger

But my heart will always remain vulnerable.

Because when my defense is down

When I'm helpless and needy

I remember and know that the Lord is good.

That the Lord is faithful.

And the Lord is my only source.

One by one

He frees me from these chains.

Like plucking a sword from my wound

It's horribly painful.

But pain is only momentary.

Refinement is eternal.

And these ashes will be transformed.

I know Your fire can hurt

But I would be worse here without You

My Lover is very romantic.

He prefers quiet and still wind over blasting thunder.

He prefers conversation in showers, morning walks and daydreams.

Sometimes he speaks through a youtube song

That was originally intended for two young lovers.

Sometimes he speaks through a desktop calendar

With random verses on random days.

But each and every time

He speaks to my heart.

The part of my heart that the world cannot see.

The part that the world rejects.

The part that society condemns.

The part that words can never speak for.

When you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile...

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart

And wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14