Lately I found myself drawn to my corner of distrust.

In truth, so much has been happening -

Not just in my life, but around me.

Looking back, it feels as though I have been here for years already

I would love to write down everything that is happening

But words cannot contain what's in my heart.

Words can no longer keep up with this whirlpool of thoughts.

In journalism class, we talked about the public space on the internet.

And one of the ideals of the internet is that it's accessible.

But lately...

I just want to retrieve.

2+2=4

Today the question to my heart was answered.

And for...not the first time in my life,

I feel a wee-bit stupid about being a human.

But I've learned that our stupidity only reflects His wisdom

As greater, as better, as...well sweeter.

For the first time listening to the words:

"You're the constant of my equation,

The never changing lover of my soul..."

I realize I am the passive receiver of this never changing love.

It is not that I will never change - although I wish that was the way I am.

But the truth is, the never changing love is more from Him to me

Than it is from me to Him.

And I needed to know this.

Because that assures me something I thought I've always knew...

that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ.

What part of nothing do you not understand?

Sometimes I think we find it so hard to believe

Because this simple truth is too good to be true.

But hey, that's as true as 2+2=4.

You can tell me the answer is 5...

But your opinion does not change the truth He has whispered into my heart.

O Envious One

To love and not be loved in return -

That pain, that agony, that jealousy

How do You stand it?

How do You stand my faithlessness?

How do You do still remain so faithful, so loving...

So in love with someone as unworthy as me?

Why do I settle for a flower when I can enjoy the whole garden?

I think somewhere along the road,

I lost count, I lost beat, I lost the rhythm.

I lost sight of Your eyes.

I look back to the days of my youth

And know for a fact that it is by Your love that I'm still here

It is by Your grace that I can still love.

I can forgive.

Can my heart cry any louder -

All that I want is to sit at Your feet

And nothing more.

Let my heart rest...

At the sound of Your heartbeat.

Let me love You more

More and more and more and more

But before that, love me.

I let You win.

I let Love win.

I want to break this before you again and again and again and again.

Until I have my eyes on You again.

I'm not going anywhere

Until there is nothing else in my sight

But Jesus.

Give me Him.

Today I had an Apple

It was a huge Fuji apple.

I peeled it with full anticipation -

It looked juicy, delicious and sweet.

I took a few big bites and they were satisfying.

After a bowl of oatmeal,

This apple was almost like an oasis in the desert.

Until I reached the core.

It was rotten and grey.

I did not see that it was rotten

And so I devoured bits of the rotten core.

It was bitter and so revolting that I had to spit it out.

The first thing that I checked was to see if a worm will come out of it

Like they do in children books...

But this got me thinking a lot of things.

I hated that feeling when I found out this seemingly delicious apple

Is rotten in the core.

I tasted betrayal, disappointment and...

I wondered how He feels

When He looks down and see hands raising up high

When we walk around with our cross necklaces

When we greet each other in church

I wonder what He sees when He looks beyond all that I do, all that I say

I hate to be found rotten in the core

So bitter that I have to be spat out.

I want to be an apple that's real, inside and out.

And I hope that you delight in me

A sweet aroma pleasing to You.